[soul dancing]

A mantra I wrote for myself many years ago as I was learning to be an adult and realizing that you in order to transcend in life, you'll inevitably face your fears, confront your childhood and forgive those that have hurt you.




part one:

you were there for me/
when this child face knew emptiness too early/
when darkness felt around my room and in it things of nightmare gloom/
the things no child should ever dream/
you held me and i let you go and found a way to forget the mess/
and fuck it all for worse or best. but you never got to cry for that/
you never got the voice to speak/
and so now please take my hand in time/ we'll dance in smallest feet with rhyme/
and color our heart with red and blue/
and show the world what got us through-/
so take this walk with me.


part two:

you were there for me/
when i needed to know the truth/
when i had to speak it regardless/
but when i had to see my root/
and turned to twist but all become that none of this is better done/
for who could hurt me worse i thought, but here it is he's got them beat!/
the very seed my soul should need, i need it not I need it not/
but you were there and i am here to let you know we need it not/
and we will shuffle through eyes wide shut/
and show the world what all we've got/
we'll take this skin, its blood not thin, we'll make it work/dismiss the jerks/
and find it lovely in the end/
i'll tarry with you in search for sense, in search of timeless mends and things that never end-/
so take this walk with me.


part three:

you were there for me/
when i hollered terror and ...NO!/
and no one in the world could hear the scream inside except you my dear my soul you keep the voice alive/
and though the moment has almost let us die/
and though i returned thinking i was better off, and this is as good as it got and i'm the kind of person that deserves to be so got/
i've found a way to let you know: it won't make us and it won't break us and that won't take us any farther than it has/
and that voice is louder than any flag could stand any prouder for we have found indifference together!/
we have learned the truth and what it's not and though no book was made for us or rules to follow spelled, we have conquered and created heaven in a place that know true hell/
we have died and come alive and through it all we have survived/
and you were there when no one was/
and so we sing in grandeur praise that if they heard they'd be amazed/
for what earthly soul could gracefully accept the pain they gave and the hurt they made and still walk away with a stronger name-/
so take this walk with me.


part four:
you were there for me/
when i couldn’t face my own/
when i walked in trainwreck footing and followed hungry mouths/
and let them eat and they devoured our very fruit, our purpose, our flower/
they took from it and gained to power and i lost myself in that very hour/
but you were there and i got out if it weren't for you i'd be that doubt that kept me down
and fucked with me/
and i fell down and grabbed the ground and held on tight and let them take without a fight/
but i won't do that i won't anymore cuz/
you were there then and there before and held my heart while i was gone/
and you waited for me and made me strong/
and so my soul, let's dance with this let's take the moment and carry it/
and show this life all it can be/
we'll take its lengths and all its strengths unknown to you and me/
and we will gain a better time, we will know a better time-/
so take this walk with me.


part five:
you were there for me/
when i wanted to forget/
when i didn’t want to feel, and i wanted to be unlet/
when i had to make it worse and i had to fuck it up when i had to eat the goodness and not mean anything to anyone or anything/
and there you sat in hopeless fat and i skimmed from the top of every day, the darkness that can't fade away/
so be here now we sit in this and wonder where is any of it but it's in you, you've held it there 'til i came back or for the first and found anew/
my heart though worse form all the pain, the depth, the shame; you kept my blood like shelter, stayed warm and let me know/
i cannot give away it all for you have kept the best for last/
and now that best will be forever and that will be far better than any day in our broken past/
and we will climb every mountain they give us and we will take the challenge each day/
we will rise above the hell that kept us down and put us in cell and stole the key/
we stole it back and we will find our way on back to life that means more than they can know/
we hike through trails they'll never know, we fall from skies that can't let go-/
so take this walk with me.


part six:

you were there for me/
when i tried to pretend it was good and i didn’t need you to live and i could find happiness in the ways I like to give and here is someone i can give to that doesn’t mind me giving/
so i pretended it meant a damn to anyone else but us and kept on with my vowless face in veil unseen, in ring unworn and loved like forever and nothing was better except what i wouldn’t admit to myself/
so you held it for me 'til i got help/
and i'm sorry i put you through all that noise and i wouldn’t even let you have a voice/
but let's not dwell on things well done cuz i gave it my all and you kept a little back and now we're here on this open road with no one to tell us which way to go/
and so how 'bout this way, another side of Y/
we'll march through the faces and hit all the traces and unmark the makers that made us before/
we are not the abused and we will not be let loose except from the bars that held us so far/
we will take the challenge and conquer every midnight/
we will see in better light and shine in grandeur spots of sight/
and they have never seen such glamour as we pose in our faulty step and stammer/
but we'll survive we always have; without you soul, i never would have/
so let's go find a life to live and give it away in baskets of love/
hand outs for people who don’t know the way/
we'll walk along beaches of better days-/
so take this walk with me.


part seven:

you were there for me/
when i could not swim in water/
when i could not be my age or know a better father/
when i thought the truth was all they said, i knew no absence but the soul of my head/
and no pride i carried nor any hope for you/
i had nothing to capture or try and no reason to live and no reason why it's not better to die/
and the marker on the gallon that told me what to drink is the very bastard that told me what to think/
but you were there for me and listened to the hero that couldn’t be there anymore but he was there 'til then/
and more and he held us like sunshine and gave us a path to trace/
until we could find our own, until we could grow and make it known/
so for him and for you i take this stand now and grab it by horns and run along somehow/
with strength we didn’t know we had but we just take it and go with that/
cuz it's all we've got and it's more than they will/
so come with me and i'll show you what fills/
a life and a heart and a soul and a skin and no one who is empty will ever enter in/
and we will carry goodness and we will care for them/
though they might never understand we'll show them 'til the end /
so take this walk with me/~

[faded brights 3]

again, not so fast;
prepared, colors fade into honest thoughts of themselves-
pastels propelled, tired clouds collecting into a sky of
something …
something protected, or maybe even forever.
the weather,
drifting dark into light-
i am traveling through daylight
and fading into a forgiven thought of myself-
shades faith and days we love;
i float along lines of reflective pieces
and welcome the will of the next season. ~

[painted]

theres a sadness in the backdrop to the stars, tonight;
a wetness in the paint – something less finished than i’d like.
the stars, at least, are still stars -
oiled light for midnight, and they burn
and almost seem to blur in a hope- -
God if i could have the strength to cope and know
that tomorrow will come, anyhow. ~

[from now]

could have been something you thought of,
could be deja-vu.
finally, it took so fast
getting it all out of you.

[slightly acidic]

strange astringent,
a blink of an eye; the water bleeds and the light,
dry as a bone,
ragged and wrung
appears clean, serene, and alive.~

[rose red]

Approaching the line which isn't a line afterall,

Water meets dawn,

Still grasping to the deep and turbid why.

If I can understand,

I could get by.

If and only then, I'd get by.

Surfacing among the floating ice,

The difference melts; light reflects

The significance of her cry;

But once its hoped; it saves in notes

Bottles and waves to shore.

Approaching the line; this infinite sky;

Approaching the light; the dawn of a beautiful life.~

[between]

improving the aperture-
the forced light;
the swelling of cells,
the yelling through hell -
years of hell and i widen the lense a bit;
tune into the sound,
my own movements
beating rhythms in the ground.
amid the noise,
i tend to my voice -
a quiet light to resurrect her choice.
still as the will
of the angels strum
along to the
grounds quiet drum.~

[penn-kos]

not the touch so much
but the "unreasonableness of it all,"
purge the innocent transfer
of smokey bays;
darkness in corners of whispers in formers-
the frame of shame of a girl.~

[soul dancing, part 1]

you were there for me...
when i thought i had it down,
and didn't.
in it, wounds, rounds of tight knit
simplicities, explicitly spun a
speechless, needless skein.
needles caught in tangled thoughts
of what this me should me.

i needed you.

so let us now be strong and proud,
not raveled by the fads so well;
let's knit the knits
and purl the purls
and share them with the world;

so take this walk with me. ~

[innocent girl]

so take this walk with me -

[an innocent child cries sadly for she is no one]

through the thousands of strands of withered grass,

hand in hand, little soul, see the light reflecting off your heart:

look up and there's the angels sharing light with you

don't be scared. take this walk with me. ~


going through what is left of some of my poetry as a little girl, i was terrified to read one of my lines as a 12 year old girl. "an innocent child cries sadly for she is no one." ... so this post is me talking to me about me. everything's gonna be alright. poor thing.

[is it enough?]

stronger than before
and i dont owe you;

just another chance,
a chance to show you.

i know.
i know.

enough, we've both done so much
to show you, done so much to hold you;

to keep this,
even then, even now,

i hold my breath for now.~

i'll always remember paul squires: his prosepoemthingys, Continuing Diaspora (the first of his i read), that my name goes down in the history of his blog (click here); and all the continuing support i got from this faithful blog friend. this is for you,

[free]

spun out of all their is to drive.
to try,
i write, and pass along what living is to die:

free.
all it is is free.

i.m. me and we'll chat on living and being, and trying;
and dying free.

God speed friend Squires, God speed. ~

[boxes]

fit within the lines of the most restrained

harsh black definitions, and contrary white.



cant stretch my limbs out of these walls,

i'm tied to the cross of their tucked away faults.



and in this resurrection, i'm just me-

gray and dying and alive.



ill-defined and well from the limb of this tree,

i drink from a God who mercifully, mercifully feeds me; keeps me; leads me:



free.~

[the music]

facing down and to the left,
i avert my eyes to what is left;
signature in the peripheral:
an infinite shore, home, bound, toward
what is left:
a deliberate softness in the keys,
in harmony with my beach; steps, prints.
wind hits;
hints of what is left.~

[right]

now I don’t even want to write
the words
painted in the smallest letters
given in the quietest notes
succumbing to the transfer of

the answers that I wrote~

[world]

world
Another dark night
the lights warm inside
we’d sit on green metal chairs
beside ourselves and the world.
Another Caramel Macchiato
with a straw too tall for the cup,
but proportions were always odd
in our judgments of the world.
Another one last Marlboro
lit despite the outspoken rain,
calming our hazardous obsessions
making something of the empty world.
Another friend I can’t forget
for better or for even worse
despite its worth, I’m gone
into another neck of the world.~

[faded brights]

still, yet so fast;
the colors fade into lighter thoughts of themselves-
pastels
held, and yet so swift become what holds
this place together-
the weather,
drifting time into time;
i am traveling over the colors
and fading into a lighter thought of myself-
laughter
and love hold me together; my colors stronger
and better,
drifting down through time
travelling over and over and living like no other.~

[photograph]

The distance closes in from the picture in your hand -
Without it all is dying.
An arched and splendid daylight
Brings a calm to all this trying;
Closer and you come closer,
With this love is living -
Love I'm living.
Salvaging the truth
Of a sweet and bitter youth,
Closer fully always known;
You'll never be alone.~

[farewell]

this is about meeting my father, and then saying goodbye...its called [farewell]:


theres the why,
and then theres beneath it -
the pit, a stone
to wrought in my inside,
as i conjure up goodbye.
and to watch you turn your eye;
a sullen whale over a wave -
dismiss the love in the way
i tried to wave goodbye.

theres the how,
and then theres beyond it -
the question, a mark...
really not understood, but i vowed
to save myself, i’m saved til now
and then when i cry like now;
your child lost while you’re away,
looks for you at night and day,
presses hands hard as she prays.

theres the when,
and then theres behind it -
the dream, a door
closed to the yesterday
i knew, but you were hurt;
couldn’t help for well its worth,
farewell.~

[wax on water]

funny how the smudge on the lens
lent itself to the truth -
the blends of bold hues,
the bends of hard lines;
oiling together until clearly
clarity floats on reality,
like clouds off the coast (a birds eye view).
i fly over a moment captured, gone,
given and taken in the same breath;
the same life and the same death.~