[farewell]

this is about meeting my father, and then saying goodbye...its called [farewell]:


theres the why,
and then theres beneath it -
the pit, a stone
to wrought in my inside,
as i conjure up goodbye.
and to watch you turn your eye;
a sullen whale over a wave -
dismiss the love in the way
i tried to wave goodbye.

theres the how,
and then theres beyond it -
the question, a mark...
really not understood, but i vowed
to save myself, i’m saved til now
and then when i cry like now;
your child lost while you’re away,
looks for you at night and day,
presses hands hard as she prays.

theres the when,
and then theres behind it -
the dream, a door
closed to the yesterday
i knew, but you were hurt;
couldn’t help for well its worth,
farewell.~

[wax on water]

funny how the smudge on the lens
lent itself to the truth -
the blends of bold hues,
the bends of hard lines;
oiling together until clearly
clarity floats on reality,
like clouds off the coast (a birds eye view).
i fly over a moment captured, gone,
given and taken in the same breath;
the same life and the same death.~

on the exhale~

and as i took a breath i watched the mess wean/ much of this chaos has stormed from stale air/formed from resistance/the force of pain/an inevitable wind/within/
peace/and quiet now/on the exhale~

suffix

the clouds are trying. they will the season. the landscape breathes out a quiet surrender, ready or not. am i ready? i turn my glance against the wind, water fills the lens, stings as i contemplate my progress. the things i thought were important to me are only important to other people whose thoughts were important to me once.

i turn back down the mountain and across the saddle of two, affixing my desires on a very personal agenda. i reflect on myself through a pond of honesty, below the crisp and subtle fog. this is real. i'm tired of trying to meet life where other people say it should be. what if this is where i'm at? this is where i'm at. life will just have to meet me here. if i know all that i know, my whole heart and soul understands the only way to reach pure happiness is to define happiness for oneself; a reasoning unencumbered by others' variations of its meaning (even ones' own). one must consciously afford the will to make someone else happy or to truly make the self happy. and if life is really as short as i know that it is, then may i sigh relief and understanding; for all these things i'm after,...all these efforts towards something i'm scurrying to do… this idea of completion, happiness, success... have a way of keeping me from the ultimate joy. what i actually end up "being," has little substance if through the process i was never actually being.

the weather approaching hurries us: prepare, prepare, prepare. and no matter how much we prepare, it often feels as though we are never ready enough. when is just being, just enough? how much faith do i have in the now, that what i have right now is enough? if i weren't ready, it wouldn't happen. if it wasn't meant to be, it wouldn’t be. ready or not, i'm ready.~

woman in bed

Was this her last? Its easy to remember, easy to forget whose feet we are washing.

As the washcloth rubbed over her edematous soles, the cloth took with it a dingy orange residue, the texture and look of iodine.

She moaned as we turned her. All four, five of us to pull, push her from side to side. We cleansed her, not knowing who we cleansed. We bathed her, not knowing who we bathed.

God forgive me that i didn't have you more in mind.

Thank you God for even in this moment, is your will for me.

Forgive me that i didn't give more of that moment to you.

One eye averted from my business, I kept watch of the lab results, test results printing every so often...more bold, more red numbers...more negatives more parentheses.

Hours hour on; pacing by her room, I watch her monitors settle into their noise now crowded with neighboring noises as if the room is actually quiet.

But now God I have you in my mind.

Now God I'm reminded of why.

I give thanks even in these times. These troubles I give it to you, for I know not why but I know You. ~

pray.

my heart is in deep prayer. we continue to walk with our hands in the air... God we give this to You. we give this to You. we give it all up to You.

[oil burn]

speak speechless like you mean it.
say the words in the movements of the sound.
move in and out of the sound you make;
make me speechless with the breath you take.
living in and living out of the love we make;
each word carried in the act of.... taken by reenacting the words we spoke;
we hope, we love, we laugh... let in the faith that keeps this path.
say speechless acts of words; a rhythm of facts to learn -
i touch you and my heart burns. ~

[city lights]

me and the extremes;
comin down and so much closer than you think.
between the candle and the flame,
we put away the smoke and pick things up again.
take away the night and the sun;
heaven is here between the lines of love.~

[september tenth]

i wait, and as the wait through's through me now,
having in and having me now; take me now but,
but hold breath and hold faith and refrain ;
life waits in the capture of God.
we are captivated by the beauty that remains;
sways patient love; it comes, it stays.
we wait, for a better day and come softly now, for
i will be the last to know.~

[tredge]

the static prevailing clears in clouds,
smoke edged clarity of once upon;
a time will come, a now we’ll know-
for now we know...
this tredge through thick and patient days,
fog (so far) rolls in my heart.
I walk through time and I’m alive.
In you I feel alive.

[more like one]

i'd like to believe in something
no one could take away,
or tinge, or fade into other schemes of faith.
i am a believer, but i believe outside the box.
there is a God inside and out;
with us whether we are there or not;
not to take away but to contribute.
i'd like to believe that through something we become
more like one. more like Him. more like One. ~

[oblivion]

leaping over oblivion -
i could not subject myself to tyrrany.
so in my act of opposition,
i pirrouetted ’round the irony.
with a focus on my Orion…
landing my life violently -
in line with destiny.~

[arid eye]

nothing to wipe from your vacant apathic eyes;
no water to collect, just whimpers for affect
lack of tide to me, no rain no bow no cry;
no shore to line the isle, the ithaca, the eyes.
the stoic in your step stammers at my soul.
the depth of such amazing tears, no cry could ask for more.
carry on the mess of depthlessness and blame me for the chaos if you must.
watch the sand as it hits my shore...
those dreams were made of dust,
collecting in clumps behind closed doors.~

[relief]

shamed by my presence, alone,
i slept in the graces of God tonight
and welcomed the love as it lives in You.
impeccable, God, your love...
thank You; i cannot forgive Your time.
Lord God, You give me strength
and a beauty that is all mine. ~

Isaiah 54:10

"Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you."

Isaiah 54:10

song of ascents

1 I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
8 The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.

psalm 121:1-8

truth

"Build, therefore, your own world. As fast as you conform your life to the pure idea in your mind, that will unfold its great proportions. A correspondent revolution in things will attend the influx of the spirit." the genius, Ralph Waldo Emerson

[ribbons]

God seeks
ribbons through the heart
traces the depths for intentions
i pray to be forgiven
goodness and light crept
felt through fate
of chapters, words, lines, run-ons~

[virtues]

Your time;
should i have taken it so quickly?
but Your love;
the crown, the jewels -
forgive me God but i keep You in mind.~

[avenue]

havin' down the avenue -
down so far...
kept in the graces of face value;
pain so old with pain,
splinters down the spine of someone new.
time gets borrowed; borrowed time.
my home belongs to a heart not so oh so ziploc blue.~