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[open flame]

life
those papers couldn't hold;
couldn't tell it better,
the stories that they told.
flame
can't keep me here in death;
can't take it back,
but this is my best.
damn you
and fuck the rest.  ~

[soul dancing]

A mantra I wrote for myself many years ago as I was learning to be an adult and realizing that you in order to transcend in life, you'll inevitably face your fears, confront your childhood and forgive those that have hurt you.




part one:

you were there for me/
when this child face knew emptiness too early/
when darkness felt around my room and in it things of nightmare gloom/
the things no child should ever dream/
you held me and i let you go and found a way to forget the mess/
and fuck it all for worse or best. but you never got to cry for that/
you never got the voice to speak/
and so now please take my hand in time/ we'll dance in smallest feet with rhyme/
and color our heart with red and blue/
and show the world what got us through-/
so take this walk with me.


part two:

you were there for me/
when i needed to know the truth/
when i had to speak it regardless/
but when i had to see my root/
and turned to twist but all become that none of this is better done/
for who could hurt me worse i thought, but here it is he's got them beat!/
the very seed my soul should need, i need it not I need it not/
but you were there and i am here to let you know we need it not/
and we will shuffle through eyes wide shut/
and show the world what all we've got/
we'll take this skin, its blood not thin, we'll make it work/dismiss the jerks/
and find it lovely in the end/
i'll tarry with you in search for sense, in search of timeless mends and things that never end-/
so take this walk with me.


part three:

you were there for me/
when i hollered terror and ...NO!/
and no one in the world could hear the scream inside except you my dear my soul you keep the voice alive/
and though the moment has almost let us die/
and though i returned thinking i was better off, and this is as good as it got and i'm the kind of person that deserves to be so got/
i've found a way to let you know: it won't make us and it won't break us and that won't take us any farther than it has/
and that voice is louder than any flag could stand any prouder for we have found indifference together!/
we have learned the truth and what it's not and though no book was made for us or rules to follow spelled, we have conquered and created heaven in a place that know true hell/
we have died and come alive and through it all we have survived/
and you were there when no one was/
and so we sing in grandeur praise that if they heard they'd be amazed/
for what earthly soul could gracefully accept the pain they gave and the hurt they made and still walk away with a stronger name-/
so take this walk with me.


part four:
you were there for me/
when i couldn’t face my own/
when i walked in trainwreck footing and followed hungry mouths/
and let them eat and they devoured our very fruit, our purpose, our flower/
they took from it and gained to power and i lost myself in that very hour/
but you were there and i got out if it weren't for you i'd be that doubt that kept me down
and fucked with me/
and i fell down and grabbed the ground and held on tight and let them take without a fight/
but i won't do that i won't anymore cuz/
you were there then and there before and held my heart while i was gone/
and you waited for me and made me strong/
and so my soul, let's dance with this let's take the moment and carry it/
and show this life all it can be/
we'll take its lengths and all its strengths unknown to you and me/
and we will gain a better time, we will know a better time-/
so take this walk with me.


part five:
you were there for me/
when i wanted to forget/
when i didn’t want to feel, and i wanted to be unlet/
when i had to make it worse and i had to fuck it up when i had to eat the goodness and not mean anything to anyone or anything/
and there you sat in hopeless fat and i skimmed from the top of every day, the darkness that can't fade away/
so be here now we sit in this and wonder where is any of it but it's in you, you've held it there 'til i came back or for the first and found anew/
my heart though worse form all the pain, the depth, the shame; you kept my blood like shelter, stayed warm and let me know/
i cannot give away it all for you have kept the best for last/
and now that best will be forever and that will be far better than any day in our broken past/
and we will climb every mountain they give us and we will take the challenge each day/
we will rise above the hell that kept us down and put us in cell and stole the key/
we stole it back and we will find our way on back to life that means more than they can know/
we hike through trails they'll never know, we fall from skies that can't let go-/
so take this walk with me.


part six:

you were there for me/
when i tried to pretend it was good and i didn’t need you to live and i could find happiness in the ways I like to give and here is someone i can give to that doesn’t mind me giving/
so i pretended it meant a damn to anyone else but us and kept on with my vowless face in veil unseen, in ring unworn and loved like forever and nothing was better except what i wouldn’t admit to myself/
so you held it for me 'til i got help/
and i'm sorry i put you through all that noise and i wouldn’t even let you have a voice/
but let's not dwell on things well done cuz i gave it my all and you kept a little back and now we're here on this open road with no one to tell us which way to go/
and so how 'bout this way, another side of Y/
we'll march through the faces and hit all the traces and unmark the makers that made us before/
we are not the abused and we will not be let loose except from the bars that held us so far/
we will take the challenge and conquer every midnight/
we will see in better light and shine in grandeur spots of sight/
and they have never seen such glamour as we pose in our faulty step and stammer/
but we'll survive we always have; without you soul, i never would have/
so let's go find a life to live and give it away in baskets of love/
hand outs for people who don’t know the way/
we'll walk along beaches of better days-/
so take this walk with me.


part seven:

you were there for me/
when i could not swim in water/
when i could not be my age or know a better father/
when i thought the truth was all they said, i knew no absence but the soul of my head/
and no pride i carried nor any hope for you/
i had nothing to capture or try and no reason to live and no reason why it's not better to die/
and the marker on the gallon that told me what to drink is the very bastard that told me what to think/
but you were there for me and listened to the hero that couldn’t be there anymore but he was there 'til then/
and more and he held us like sunshine and gave us a path to trace/
until we could find our own, until we could grow and make it known/
so for him and for you i take this stand now and grab it by horns and run along somehow/
with strength we didn’t know we had but we just take it and go with that/
cuz it's all we've got and it's more than they will/
so come with me and i'll show you what fills/
a life and a heart and a soul and a skin and no one who is empty will ever enter in/
and we will carry goodness and we will care for them/
though they might never understand we'll show them 'til the end /
so take this walk with me/~

Transitions and Transfers

The thing that kills me (about moving) is the loss of my work.  I have truly lost volumes of my writing along the way. 

The way, being, the path from here all the way back to the countless transitions in my life.  The restlessness of my timeline, notably in the past few years, has left me without some of my most fragile words. 

I even once wrote a poem about losing my work and I have lost that too. 

Herein, the moral of the story is print your work and make two copies if you care to.  I don't know why it's so important to me but every time I lose my work, I am reminded of just how raw and personal writing can be.  The same can be said for pictures. 

testing

Every so often I am curious enough to take a personality test if I happen upon one and have nothing else going on. Today I found a link on Facebook and was impressed by the vivid detail the synopsis gave. If you’d like to take the quiz yourself, go to here. Here is what they had to say about me:


You’re a Harmonizer.

Altruistic and thoughtful, you’re generous with your time and energy and definitely like it best when everyone’s getting along. You often put others’ needs before your own and find it easy to see different perspectives on the same problem.

Reliable and trustworthy, you seek harmony and balance in your life. You forge strong, long-lasting friendships, and your friends value your honesty and frank opinions. You tend to value routine and security.With your positive mental attitude, it’s no surprise that things in your life just seem to click into place.

As a Harmonizer, it’s important to learn to trust your intuition and to know that everything will work out for the best. Learn to say yes to new experiences from time to time. Your confidence and self-belief will continue to grow. Sometimes a challenge or a change of scene could be just what you need.You have a strong ability to connect to your inner essence and listen to your heart. Even if you have a busy schedule, make sure you have the confidence to carve out that space for yourself. It’ll definitely pay off in the long run.

You believe in happy endings. By being yourself and feeling comfortable in your skin, you will give off positive energy and attract the kind of love you deserve.As a True Romantic, you’ve got a whole lot of love to give and you like to lavish your partner with romantic gestures. You have strong instincts and a good understanding of who you are and what you want from life. You like to follow your dreams and believe in happy endings. You are expressive and enjoy coming up with new ways to show your partner how much you love him. Intense experiences appeal to your sensual side.

You know that true happiness doesn’t come from material things or possessions. It goes much deeper than that and is all about valuing those things you can’t put a price on. You like to care for those around you, and if they’re happy, you’re happy. You appreciate that both highs and lows make up the balance of life and you always try and stay spiritually strong and focused.

You’re a real morning person with the right attitude when it comes to feeling great.You believe in a balanced approach to living a healthy lifestyle. It’s all about moderation.

For you, food and eating tend to be sociable occasions, so you love something delicious but informal.
You’re creative and visually inspired and enjoy keeping on top of fashion.

Your pretty, feminine style exudes low-key elegance and charm. You don’t need to be brash or falling off a pair of stilettos to get noticed. Being at ease and feeling confident in yourself works wonders.

You’re inquisitive, open-minded and interested in history. You love to discover new things and experience new places.

nurse

Its been a decade since I first took this journey by foot, climbing obstacle over obstacle towards being a nurse, an epic largely of selfhood. As I took on God’s mission for my life, I had no idea what sort of challenges I would face. I could never have imagined such strange and purposeful events, hurdles and temptations would eventually turn me closer to my spirit and its Maker. So many times, I thought, God must not want this for me only to realize that in truth, the enemy would not want this for me. Its those truths that helped me charge on even when it seemed so ridiculous to even try.

All the shields I put up to protect myself, God knocked them down. He said, I will protect you.

All the layers I caked on my appearance, my persona, God peeled them back one at a time so I could see what I was doing. He says, but daughter, I made you.

All the obstacles I put in my own way, God stood there and said, “Really Sarah? …Really?”

Only after every stone had been turned, every false concept of my self had disproven, …only after I had completely broken down, I finally found the genuine courage and personal strength to trust God’s will for me. Only after I asked for His mercy, His grace and and His wisdom could I align my will with His and take joy in being justified. I had to trust His path and when I didn’t He still carried me.

Thank you God for carrying me through this. All of this.

[faded brights 3]

again, not so fast;
prepared, colors fade into honest thoughts of themselves-
pastels propelled, tired clouds collecting into a sky of
something …
something protected, or maybe even forever.
the weather,
drifting dark into light-
i am traveling through daylight
and fading into a forgiven thought of myself-
shades faith and days we love;
i float along lines of reflective pieces
and welcome the will of the next season. ~

[painted]

theres a sadness in the backdrop to the stars, tonight;
a wetness in the paint – something less finished than i’d like.
the stars, at least, are still stars -
oiled light for midnight, and they burn
and almost seem to blur in a hope- -
God if i could have the strength to cope and know
that tomorrow will come, anyhow. ~

bigger

my family and i, we call it moving mountains. these are the things we can do with faith. not knowing just what it is we’re moving but trusting and being able to actually feel the power in the movement. faith can be so big that God would even allow a person to see a glimpse of what they’re really doing. i’m not there but my imagine runs wild. with my faith i am free to dream. ~

[from now]

could have been something you thought of,
could be deja-vu.
finally, it took so fast
getting it all out of you.

[slightly acidic]

strange astringent,
a blink of an eye; the water bleeds and the light,
dry as a bone,
ragged and wrung
appears clean, serene, and alive.~

[gravity]

ironing out the inevitable,

the heaviness of metals, like led,

(i can still hear)

sleek chilled water
washes over black coal in the night;

it ebbs, and lets
in the light.

improving the aperture,

the dilution of ink as it bled.

(can't be far now; so i try my joints:)

i can still feel.~

[peaking]

hands against the surfaces of stone:

the dryness seems fit for the polish of the grip,

as i carry my weight up over the cliff and peer down at the height of my climb.

at some point this must align

with an idea God had in His mind.

this must be what its like to come into ones own;

having full faith that the drift, the down, angled calves, the slide of mud, the catch of my step as i bare down down down ...

will not be nearly as trecherous as the lift, the push on angled calves, the slide of mud, the catch of step as i push my weight up over the cliff and peer out at the site of my dreams.

reaching into the depth of fear in my knees, the water up to my hips, i drift with the clutch of a stick;

the dryness in my feet seems fit for the polish of the grip of stone, i chance across a fast-moving water, against the current of time and i think to myself:

at some point this must align with an idea God had in His mind.~

[animals]

honor for the elder;
honor lost to law and lines on contracts
and facts.

an attic scent like damp wood and dusty boxes of pictures; things to help her remember who she is.
despite her demeanor (she claws at the strangers),
she is adorable. and scared.

left here unprepared,

she waits by the door;

waiting to be honored or be spared.~

[rose red]

Approaching the line which isn't a line afterall,

Water meets dawn,

Still grasping to the deep and turbid why.

If I can understand,

I could get by.

If and only then, I'd get by.

Surfacing among the floating ice,

The difference melts; light reflects

The significance of her cry;

But once its hoped; it saves in notes

Bottles and waves to shore.

Approaching the line; this infinite sky;

Approaching the light; the dawn of a beautiful life.~

down through time

I can’t configure in my mind the time of day.  In some memories its dark, in other memories its day.  All in the same memory, the same moment in time.
Then there was the night before.  The phone that didn’t stop ringing.  We all sat there as it rang, slow to respond.  As I finally realized no one else would answer it, I got up and sure enough, it stopped ringing.
Then the morning after.  Again, the phone rang and it didn’t stop ringing.  Slow to answer, my mom sleeping next to me, said,
Is that the phone?
Hours later (so it seemed; light to dark), my mom slipped on clothes and hurried down the hall to answer the endless ring of the phone.
There are no words to explain what happened next.  Just,
“What did you do to Mike!  What did you do to him!”
And the next thing I knew, my brother was dead.
Not one of us questioned how he died until we were told how he died.

[My Mike Poem]
your life hangs over like a lamp
from the path i’ve drifted from
when other lights of color
led my heart undone;
and as i rode through ether
caught in strobes of scattered void
your watt improved in measure
and i could not avoid.
though i thought the world was dark
without your strength to light it,
you are the light that is the strength
with the power to ignite it.
if i made a promise
you would have to keep it too;
we’ll take your strength to lengths
unknown to me and you,
and light the way your life insists
and follow it to your transfer.
we’ll mark the exes, connect the wires
and there will be an answer.~

[between]

improving the aperture-
the forced light;
the swelling of cells,
the yelling through hell -
years of hell and i widen the lense a bit;
tune into the sound,
my own movements
beating rhythms in the ground.
amid the noise,
i tend to my voice -
a quiet light to resurrect her choice.
still as the will
of the angels strum
along to the
grounds quiet drum.~

[scissors]

stammered by the isolated trees
an empty breeze
a trickle of hope
just to trick to fake the cope
the alone, the unknown
found only by the likeness
of a feather on a breeze
drifting alone on an empty sea.~

bread and water

opening the cupboard doors for the tenth time never made more appear. yet the bareness of reality never kept me from reenacting, perhaps in desperation.

hope. maybe i had hope.

the wheels always turned in me and creativity spurred the most brilliant concoctions as a child:

  

• brown sugar and butter makes caramel, sort of
• bread ends with outdated yogurt and raisins
• pilot crackers and canned tuna, of course
• cabbage, lentils and chicken: something i like to call Beluga

growing up and even until now i never understood the virtue in poverty. maybe because i was too poor in other things like spirit at the time.

now though, as an adult, i see how intimate one becomes with God when they are poor. no longer merely self-reliant; when we have nothing else to trust we have only to trust God. if the world turns against us we turn to God. and so in a sense, those we damn and shame and judge (and maybe even yell out the car window, "Get a job!"); those we right off and cast out often have a far more exclusive provision with the Creator, than those who seek to fulfill their needs independently.

[penn-kos]

not the touch so much
but the "unreasonableness of it all,"
purge the innocent transfer
of smokey bays;
darkness in corners of whispers in formers-
the frame of shame of a girl.~