[faded brights 3]

again, not so fast;
prepared, colors fade into honest thoughts of themselves-
pastels propelled, tired clouds collecting into a sky of
something …
something protected, or maybe even forever.
the weather,
drifting dark into light-
i am traveling through daylight
and fading into a forgiven thought of myself-
shades faith and days we love;
i float along lines of reflective pieces
and welcome the will of the next season. ~

[painted]

theres a sadness in the backdrop to the stars, tonight;
a wetness in the paint – something less finished than i’d like.
the stars, at least, are still stars -
oiled light for midnight, and they burn
and almost seem to blur in a hope- -
God if i could have the strength to cope and know
that tomorrow will come, anyhow. ~

bigger

my family and i, we call it moving mountains. these are the things we can do with faith. not knowing just what it is we’re moving but trusting and being able to actually feel the power in the movement. faith can be so big that God would even allow a person to see a glimpse of what they’re really doing. i’m not there but my imagine runs wild. with my faith i am free to dream. ~

[from now]

could have been something you thought of,
could be deja-vu.
finally, it took so fast
getting it all out of you.

[slightly acidic]

strange astringent,
a blink of an eye; the water bleeds and the light,
dry as a bone,
ragged and wrung
appears clean, serene, and alive.~

[gravity]

ironing out the inevitable,

the heaviness of metals, like led,

(i can still hear)

sleek chilled water
washes over black coal in the night;

it ebbs, and lets
in the light.

improving the aperture,

the dilution of ink as it bled.

(can't be far now; so i try my joints:)

i can still feel.~

[peaking]

hands against the surfaces of stone:

the dryness seems fit for the polish of the grip,

as i carry my weight up over the cliff and peer down at the height of my climb.

at some point this must align

with an idea God had in His mind.

this must be what its like to come into ones own;

having full faith that the drift, the down, angled calves, the slide of mud, the catch of my step as i bare down down down ...

will not be nearly as trecherous as the lift, the push on angled calves, the slide of mud, the catch of step as i push my weight up over the cliff and peer out at the site of my dreams.

reaching into the depth of fear in my knees, the water up to my hips, i drift with the clutch of a stick;

the dryness in my feet seems fit for the polish of the grip of stone, i chance across a fast-moving water, against the current of time and i think to myself:

at some point this must align with an idea God had in His mind.~

[animals]

honor for the elder;
honor lost to law and lines on contracts
and facts.

an attic scent like damp wood and dusty boxes of pictures; things to help her remember who she is.
despite her demeanor (she claws at the strangers),
she is adorable. and scared.

left here unprepared,

she waits by the door;

waiting to be honored or be spared.~

[rose red]

Approaching the line which isn't a line afterall,

Water meets dawn,

Still grasping to the deep and turbid why.

If I can understand,

I could get by.

If and only then, I'd get by.

Surfacing among the floating ice,

The difference melts; light reflects

The significance of her cry;

But once its hoped; it saves in notes

Bottles and waves to shore.

Approaching the line; this infinite sky;

Approaching the light; the dawn of a beautiful life.~

down through time

I can’t configure in my mind the time of day.  In some memories its dark, in other memories its day.  All in the same memory, the same moment in time.
Then there was the night before.  The phone that didn’t stop ringing.  We all sat there as it rang, slow to respond.  As I finally realized no one else would answer it, I got up and sure enough, it stopped ringing.
Then the morning after.  Again, the phone rang and it didn’t stop ringing.  Slow to answer, my mom sleeping next to me, said,
Is that the phone?
Hours later (so it seemed; light to dark), my mom slipped on clothes and hurried down the hall to answer the endless ring of the phone.
There are no words to explain what happened next.  Just,
“What did you do to Mike!  What did you do to him!”
And the next thing I knew, my brother was dead.
Not one of us questioned how he died until we were told how he died.

[My Mike Poem]
your life hangs over like a lamp
from the path i’ve drifted from
when other lights of color
led my heart undone;
and as i rode through ether
caught in strobes of scattered void
your watt improved in measure
and i could not avoid.
though i thought the world was dark
without your strength to light it,
you are the light that is the strength
with the power to ignite it.
if i made a promise
you would have to keep it too;
we’ll take your strength to lengths
unknown to me and you,
and light the way your life insists
and follow it to your transfer.
we’ll mark the exes, connect the wires
and there will be an answer.~

[between]

improving the aperture-
the forced light;
the swelling of cells,
the yelling through hell -
years of hell and i widen the lense a bit;
tune into the sound,
my own movements
beating rhythms in the ground.
amid the noise,
i tend to my voice -
a quiet light to resurrect her choice.
still as the will
of the angels strum
along to the
grounds quiet drum.~

[scissors]

stammered by the isolated trees
an empty breeze
a trickle of hope
just to trick to fake the cope
the alone, the unknown
found only by the likeness
of a feather on a breeze
drifting alone on an empty sea.~

bread and water

opening the cupboard doors for the tenth time never made more appear. yet the bareness of reality never kept me from reenacting, perhaps in desperation.

hope. maybe i had hope.

the wheels always turned in me and creativity spurred the most brilliant concoctions as a child:

  

• brown sugar and butter makes caramel, sort of
• bread ends with outdated yogurt and raisins
• pilot crackers and canned tuna, of course
• cabbage, lentils and chicken: something i like to call Beluga

growing up and even until now i never understood the virtue in poverty. maybe because i was too poor in other things like spirit at the time.

now though, as an adult, i see how intimate one becomes with God when they are poor. no longer merely self-reliant; when we have nothing else to trust we have only to trust God. if the world turns against us we turn to God. and so in a sense, those we damn and shame and judge (and maybe even yell out the car window, "Get a job!"); those we right off and cast out often have a far more exclusive provision with the Creator, than those who seek to fulfill their needs independently.

[penn-kos]

not the touch so much
but the "unreasonableness of it all,"
purge the innocent transfer
of smokey bays;
darkness in corners of whispers in formers-
the frame of shame of a girl.~

[soul dancing, part 1]

you were there for me...
when i thought i had it down,
and didn't.
in it, wounds, rounds of tight knit
simplicities, explicitly spun a
speechless, needless skein.
needles caught in tangled thoughts
of what this me should me.

i needed you.

so let us now be strong and proud,
not raveled by the fads so well;
let's knit the knits
and purl the purls
and share them with the world;

so take this walk with me. ~

[innocent girl]

so take this walk with me -

[an innocent child cries sadly for she is no one]

through the thousands of strands of withered grass,

hand in hand, little soul, see the light reflecting off your heart:

look up and there's the angels sharing light with you

don't be scared. take this walk with me. ~


going through what is left of some of my poetry as a little girl, i was terrified to read one of my lines as a 12 year old girl. "an innocent child cries sadly for she is no one." ... so this post is me talking to me about me. everything's gonna be alright. poor thing.

[is it enough?]

stronger than before
and i dont owe you;

just another chance,
a chance to show you.

i know.
i know.

enough, we've both done so much
to show you, done so much to hold you;

to keep this,
even then, even now,

i hold my breath for now.~

i'll always remember paul squires: his prosepoemthingys, Continuing Diaspora (the first of his i read), that my name goes down in the history of his blog (click here); and all the continuing support i got from this faithful blog friend. this is for you,

[free]

spun out of all their is to drive.
to try,
i write, and pass along what living is to die:

free.
all it is is free.

i.m. me and we'll chat on living and being, and trying;
and dying free.

God speed friend Squires, God speed. ~

[boxes]

fit within the lines of the most restrained

harsh black definitions, and contrary white.



cant stretch my limbs out of these walls,

i'm tied to the cross of their tucked away faults.



and in this resurrection, i'm just me-

gray and dying and alive.



ill-defined and well from the limb of this tree,

i drink from a God who mercifully, mercifully feeds me; keeps me; leads me:



free.~

[the music]

facing down and to the left,
i avert my eyes to what is left;
signature in the peripheral:
an infinite shore, home, bound, toward
what is left:
a deliberate softness in the keys,
in harmony with my beach; steps, prints.
wind hits;
hints of what is left.~

[healing]

Hands lay over a head;
Water runs over.

The spirits led;

Now, this-

Faced, blessed;
Down, kissed;
Wished for things it couldn’t have.

Songbird sings;
Thumbs over strings;

Angels commence and the soul resurrects.

respite in the Perfect;
deserted in the desert of affection;
letting in the love, kept for sudden notices;
moment's notice, not too quick-
just take away the swears and keep it quiet.
in the tundra lost and loved;
kept quiet for my God above.~

[black]

Shot in the dark
I didn’t even hear you come in

Whisper for help
Say I'll be well

I love them, tell them I do.

[gone]

Gone so far… hands out farther than I can reach
Who could reach?

These things, these screams
God prevails in my dreams, keeps me close

I wake up and I feel His presence

[right]

now I don’t even want to write
the words
painted in the smallest letters
given in the quietest notes
succumbing to the transfer of

the answers that I wrote~

[world view]

world sees /
these things are new /
summer sounds loud /
winters whispers; behind the light /
over night /
the colors paint the sky /
if only they could see /
these colors what they mean to me~

lighter brighter

ive been tossing around various tomorrows... tomatoes juggling in the air... trying to decipher the codes of fate and my own difficult desires.

this tomorrow, that tomorrow... one is too cold, another too hot. finally, oh but finally, i have settled on a certain future. decidedly so, i am delightedly insomuch tickled over the idea i've come across. its been staring me in the face, rolling its eyes at me, waiting for me to turn from my scattered thoughts and return to the truth which is always ironic and always magical. God is as lovely and whimsical, deep and dark and mysterious as I love Him to be. and His gifts always reflect all of these infinite qualities.

My tomorrow, lighter and brighter than i could have imagined. detailed and simple, full circle and yet never-done. so much fulfilled in just arriving my eyes in the center of the gifts which have always been there, ready to be opened, noticed.

i spend so much time trying to will my way through life, only to look up and find it's so much easier if you just close your eyes and let God do all the turning.

[world]

world
Another dark night
the lights warm inside
we’d sit on green metal chairs
beside ourselves and the world.
Another Caramel Macchiato
with a straw too tall for the cup,
but proportions were always odd
in our judgments of the world.
Another one last Marlboro
lit despite the outspoken rain,
calming our hazardous obsessions
making something of the empty world.
Another friend I can’t forget
for better or for even worse
despite its worth, I’m gone
into another neck of the world.~

transfer

counting the months and the moons, life in boxes, the flesh in travel mode; the soul in an intimate surrender of the truth and what its not:

i reclaimed a calm i'd forgotten about. through all this weather, i have peace; a deep-seeded joy which had been lost or discarded several years ago. to just be breathes the sweetest sighs within.


there is a lot of cleaning to do; lots of purging, lots of sweeping. but the heart is very home in me. i am very alive. thank you God for keeping me alive.

on days like these, when so thrilled to feel life in every pore, i go back to something i wrote in 2004; another spiritual year. its called [soul]:

You were there for me/
When this child face knew emptiness too early/
When darkness felt around my room and in it things of nightmare gloom/
The things no child should ever dream/
You held me and I let you go and found a way to forget the mess/
And fuck it all for worse or best. But you never got to cry for that/
You never got the voice to speak/
And so now please take my hand in time, we'll dance in smallest feet with rhyme/
And color our heart with red and blue/
And show the world what got us through-/
So take this walk with me.

You were there for me when I needed to know the truth/
When I had to speak it regardless/
But when I had to see my root/
And turned to twist but all become that none of this is better done/
For who could hurt me worse I thought but here it is he's got them beat/
The very seed my soul should need I need it not I need it not/
But you were there and I am here to let you know we need it not/
And we will shuffle through eyes wide shut/
And show the world what all we've got/
We'll take this skin, its blood not then, we'll make it work/
Dismiss the jerks and find it lovely in the end/
I'll tarry with you in search for sense in search of timeless mends and things that never end/
So take this walk with me.

You were there for me/
When I hollered terror and no/
And no one in the world could hear the scream inside except you my dear my soul you keep/ the voice alive and though the moment has almost let us die and though I returned thinking I was better off, and this is as good as it got and I'm the kind of person that deserves to be so got,/
I've found away to let you know it won't make us and it wont' break us and that wont take us any farther than it has/
and that voice louder than any flag could stand any prouder for we have found in idfference together./
We have learned the truth and what its not and though no book was made for us or rules to follow spelled, we have conquered and created heaven in a place that know true hell./
We have died and come alive and through it all we have survived/
and you were there when no one was/
and so we sing in grandieur praise that if they heard they'd be amazed/
for what earthly soul could gracefully accept the pain the gave the hurt they made and still walk away with a stronger name/
so take this walk with me.

You were there for me/
When I couldn’t face my own,/
when I walked in trainwreck footing and followed hugnry mouths/
and let them eat and they devoured our very fruit our purpose, our flower,/
they took form it and gained to power and i lost myself in that very hour/
but you were there and I got out if it were for you I'd be that doubt that kept me down
And fucked with me and I fell down and grabbed the ground and held on tight and let them take without a fight/
but I wont do that I wont anymore cuz
You were there then and there before and held my heart while I was gone/
And you waited for me and made me strong/
and so my soul, lets dance with this lets take the moment and carry it/
and show this life all it can be/
We'll take its lengths and all its strengths unknown to you and me/
and we will gain a better time, we will know a better time/
So take this walk with me.

You were there for me/
When I wanted to forget./
When I didn’t want to feel and I wanted to be unlet/
When I had to make it worse and I had to fuck it up when I had to eat the goodness and not mean anything to anyone or anything/
and there you sat in hopeless fat and I skimmed for the top of every day the darkness that can't fade away/
so be here now we sit in this and wonder where is any of it but its in you, you've held it there til I came back or for the first and found a new/
my heart though worse form all the pain, the depth the shame you kept my blood like shelter, stayed warm and let me know/
I can not give away it all for you have kept the best for last/
and now that best will be forever and that will be far better than any day in our broken past,/
and we will climb every mountain they give us and we will take the challenge each day and we will rise above the hell that kept us down and put us in cell and stole the key;/
we stole it back and we will find our way on back to life that means more than they can know/
We hike through trails they'll never know, we fall from skies that cant let go/
So take this walk with me.

You were there for me/
When I tried to pretend it was good and I didn’t need you to live and I could find happiness in the ways I like to give and here is someone I can give to that doesn’t mind me giving./
So I pretended it meant a damn to anyone else but us and kept on with my vowless face in veil unseen in ring unworn and loved like forever and nothing was better except what I wouldn’t admit to myself,/
so you held it for me til I got help./
And I'm sorry I put you through all that noise and I wouldn’t even let you have a voice./
But lets not dwell on things well done cuz I gave it my all and you kept a little back and now we're here on this open road with no one to tell us which way to go/
and so how bout this way, another side of y,/
we'll march through he faces and hit all the traces and unmark the makers that made us before,/
we are not the abused and we will not be let loose except from the bars that held us so far,/
we will take the challenge and conquer every midnight,/
we will see in better light and shine in grander spots of sight./
And they have never seen such glamour as we pose in our faulty step and stammer/
but we'll survive we always have; without you soul, I never would have./
So lets go find a life to live and give it away in baskets of love,/
hand outs for people who don’t know the way,/
we'll walk along beaches of better days/
So take this walk with me.

You were there for me/
When I could not swim in water,/
when I could not be my age or know a better father./
When I thought the truth was all they said, I knew no absence but the soul of my head/
and no pride I carried nor any hope for you,/
I had nothing to capture or try and no reason to live and no reason why its not better to die/
and the marker on the gallon that told me what to drink is the very bastard that told me what to think,/
but you were there for me and listened to the hero that couldn’t be there anymore but he was there til then/
and more and he held us like the sunshine and gave us a path to trace/
until we could find our own, until we could grow and make it known/
so for him and for you I take this stand now and grab it by horns and run along somehow/ with strength we didn’t know we had but we just take it and go with that/
cuz its all we've got and its more than they will/
so come with me and I'll show you what fills/
a life and a heart and a soul and a skin and no one who is empty will ever enter in/
and we will carry goodness and we will care for them/
though they might never understand we'll show them til the end /
So take this walk with me/~

[faded brights]

still, yet so fast;
the colors fade into lighter thoughts of themselves-
pastels
held, and yet so swift become what holds
this place together-
the weather,
drifting time into time;
i am traveling over the colors
and fading into a lighter thought of myself-
laughter
and love hold me together; my colors stronger
and better,
drifting down through time
travelling over and over and living like no other.~

tangerine

The sky here is still. From here, the ground is busy, the earth blurred with nonsense and unsettled souls but above it all the sky is still. I look up and can not find an end. I look up and know no other certainty but that eventually the color will extract from this view, the sun will pass and another day will work its way into the world (God willing).

God willing I'm still here. And I am still with the sky. No matter how fast I go on the freeway, above it all is pause.